The Waiting Game

Thank Goodness they didn't pass that law that would add an automatic 20% gratuity to all restaurant bills. What greedy, blue-collar chump came up with that idea?? Maybe it was the guy that waited on us the other night at that Italian place...

Let's get one thing straight: when it comes to ordering food, I am not easy to please. In fact, I am a waiter's worst nightmare (and often, my dining partner's worst nightmare, too).

The menu is a good start, but I need details. I need to compare and contrast...to peek at other people's dishes...to entertain the possibility of substitutions and manipulations. Once I have it narrowed down to a few potentially acceptable dishes, I have a little Q&A session with the waiter. After he attempts to entice me (or fails to inspire me) I am left to my instinct. Time is running out, so I close my eyes, picture the entree I am about to order, consult with my stomach one last time, and then, with beads of sweat beginning to form on my brow...I order! Phew, that was excruciating. So, it better be good.

Ordering food is a monumental commitment unlike any other consumer activity. Unlike buying a pair of shoes, you can't test out your dinner and decide it's not your style, bring it back with the receipt and get your chunk of cash back. You're stuck with it. Even worse: you are tormented by thoughts of 'if only I had ordered...' You are reduced to an envious, grumbling old sourpuss, glaring at the waiter who misled you... hissing at the chef for not including half the ingredients that were listed on the menu... and cursing the other diners that seem perfectly content with their plates. All of this chaos because of the wrong menu selection!

So, this is why the waiter plays a crucial role. They are not merely the hands that scribble an order and deliver a plate, though some seem to think that is the essence of their duty>>> Greet, scribble, deliver, collect payment, good-bye. Sorry boys, but if you want that supposedly "standard" 20% tip, you'd better get ready to play The Waiting Game. Read the next blog, "It ain't baseball", to learn how the game works...