Click & Lick

We are long overdue for an update on the world of naughty food porn.

Here's what I've got for ya:

RAW FISH anyone?

How about paying $75 to learn how to chop, squish, and roll it?

That's what I did on a lonely night in Richmond, VA. Proudly, I can say I got my money's worth of sushi -- quail egg yolk and all.

And here we have some fancy hotel food, consumed in San Diego. Petite Pork Chops, cute as baby piglets >>>

My own attempts at edible cuteness, seen here with shrimp stir fry.

More lickable images to come...

Construction Zone

Cake-making is a truly humbling experience. It's a labor of love that doesn't always display just how much love (and sweat and tears) went into the final product. You can watch the evolution of my triple-layer chocolate-pumpkin-cream cake here.


Maneuvering those delicate slabs of chocolate into place and spreading them with an even coat of pumpkin-neufchatel filling is a job that would be better performed by a construction worker than an amateur like me. But, on my culinary report card I think I deserve at least an "A" for improvement.
And, by the way, it's DELISH! My favorite part was bathing it in dark chocolate sauce to give it this luscious glaze. You just licked the screen, didn't you!? It's okay, I would too if it weren't sitting in my kitchen.

Quite Contrary

I love paradoxes. You know, "any person, thing, or situation exhibiting an apparently contradictory nature"? Such as: eating Ethiopian food in Kansas. Vietnamese in Minnesota. Brazilian BBQ in New Hampshire. Such absurdity keeps life interesting, don't you think?

Sadly, most people will have a steak in Omaha, Tex-Mex in Texas, and crab cakes in Baltimore. But I beg you to scoff at such predictability. It's just gross. Do something unexpected and it will surely be more memorable than following the tourist herd to, say, Old Chicago Pizza in Chicago.

I don't know what people are expected to eat in St Louis but I didn't care to ask. My dining buddy and I went straight for hole-in-the-wall Thai. (above: our $10 appetizer extravaganza of shrimp summer rolls, curried chicken skewers, sweet corn cakes, and crab rangoon...just to start.)

I know, Thai food isn't a huge contradiction to St Louis culture, but we still felt like rebels. Besides having the restaurant to ourselves, the pleasure was intensified once our pretty little plates arrived, at which point I felt sure we were the only two people in St Louis having such a divinely exquisite, lusciously unique, seductively savory meal, served with the quintessential precision of our dainty Asian waiter.
>>> "Drunken noodles" with juicy scallops, squid, and jumbo prawns. Plate-lickin' good.

Gulp your Vegetables

Tis the season...for what, you say? Just go to the produce section and you'll figure it out pretty fast.

It's a squashy, yammy, pumpkinny time of year, which means you can sprinkle brown sugar on your veggies without feeling sacriligious. Or if you DO want to feel naughty and completely Americanize the virtuous nature of the squash family, you could scoff at the produce section altogether and hit the drive thru at Jack in the Box or the Dairy Queen. That's right, lactose lovers.... it's Pumpkin Milkshake & Pumpkin Pie Blizzard season!! And when those luscious, limited edition delights run out, you can (literally) roll right into Eggnog Shake month. A truly euphoric way to waste 720 calories in a few frothy gulps. Gulp, gulp, ahhhhh. Can you taste it?

(I know, I'm supposed to be a "gourmand", which means I should disrespect any recipe that uses flavored syrup as it's main ingredient, but dang, these things are irresistible. And so dangerously accessible! Much faster prep-time than Martha's pumpkin pie recipe...no disrespect to Ms. Stewart, God bless her. I bet she drinks them, too.)

So, don't just sit there drooling -- grab your keys and get 'em at the peak of their season!! No one will know except Jack. And he's probably in his Box...drinking a Pumpkin Pie Milkshake.

The Waiting Game

Thank Goodness they didn't pass that law that would add an automatic 20% gratuity to all restaurant bills. What greedy, blue-collar chump came up with that idea?? Maybe it was the guy that waited on us the other night at that Italian place...

Let's get one thing straight: when it comes to ordering food, I am not easy to please. In fact, I am a waiter's worst nightmare (and often, my dining partner's worst nightmare, too).

The menu is a good start, but I need details. I need to compare and contrast...to peek at other people's dishes...to entertain the possibility of substitutions and manipulations. Once I have it narrowed down to a few potentially acceptable dishes, I have a little Q&A session with the waiter. After he attempts to entice me (or fails to inspire me) I am left to my instinct. Time is running out, so I close my eyes, picture the entree I am about to order, consult with my stomach one last time, and then, with beads of sweat beginning to form on my brow...I order! Phew, that was excruciating. So, it better be good.

Ordering food is a monumental commitment unlike any other consumer activity. Unlike buying a pair of shoes, you can't test out your dinner and decide it's not your style, bring it back with the receipt and get your chunk of cash back. You're stuck with it. Even worse: you are tormented by thoughts of 'if only I had ordered...' You are reduced to an envious, grumbling old sourpuss, glaring at the waiter who misled you... hissing at the chef for not including half the ingredients that were listed on the menu... and cursing the other diners that seem perfectly content with their plates. All of this chaos because of the wrong menu selection!

So, this is why the waiter plays a crucial role. They are not merely the hands that scribble an order and deliver a plate, though some seem to think that is the essence of their duty>>> Greet, scribble, deliver, collect payment, good-bye. Sorry boys, but if you want that supposedly "standard" 20% tip, you'd better get ready to play The Waiting Game. Read the next blog, "It ain't baseball", to learn how the game works...

It Ain't Baseball

My general rule for evaluating wait staff performance is the 2 strikes you're out rule. That's right, TWO. It ain't baseball; we're not eating hotdogs and drinking beer people. This is serious dining; the stakes are high. And if you can't play the game, get out of the dining room.

The strikes can add up pretty fast, and with only 2 to spare it can be painful when you're stuck with a rookie waiter. Here's a great example from an actual dinner I endured the other night:

STRIKE 1: waiter didn't mention the dinner specials (the king of the menu hierarchy). They were listed on a chalkboard, but he clearly expected us to read up on those on our own. All the delighful dishes we missed out on! A real tragedy!

STRIKE 2: Pancetta and bruschetta are two very different things, which is why I suggest a-nun-ci-at-ing them properly. Our waiter didn't, so when my pancetta-laden soup showed up, without bruschetta, I had to wait for a new bowl of soup to be prepared, minus the cubes of pork.

STRIKE 3: If you don't know about wine, don't pretend. Just bring a darn sample over and spare us the vague commentary.

I could go on, but then I'd have to deal with all the hate mail about how merciless I am..which is simply not true! I just want you all to keep your standards high, and never feel sheepish about letting your tip "tip them off" to some ways to improve their game. Ouch!

Meet Earl the Squirrel

No, this post isn't advocating squirrel meat as the "other white meat"...

This guy (we'll call him Earl) is my poster child for SUPERTUMMY, which I covered in the previous post "Cost Analysis of Comfort Food". Read on if you'd like to learn more about Supertummy and how to avoid it's appearance...which looks much cuter on squirrels than it does on humans.

Cost Analysis of Comfort Food

Any idiot can tell you that eating out is WAY more expensive than cooking at home, but I'm going to reiterate. Dining out is an atrocious expense (albiet, pleasurable). And I've got a perfect case-in-point:

Daddy is visiting Savannah for a few days, and although I have never had a bad meal here (with the exception of a $5 dinner at Sakura that looked like it went straight from the freezer aisle and onto my plate...) I've eaten around enough to know that my home cooking is right on par -- not to mention, nutritionally superior -- to anything we would go out and pay for in Savannah. Plus, we've done the crab cakes, sweet potatoes, pecan pie, shrimp n' grits thing a dozen times and I'm pretty sick of comfort food that leaves my wallet feeling uncomforably light and my butt feeling suddenly saggy. So instead, I prepared my own southern-ish meal with the help of Kroger and a Cuisinart... for one-sixth of the dine-out price!! AND it was delicious! AND we have leftovers! The benefits are insane.

Menu planning was easy. Southern flavors without all the lard (thanks anyway, Paula Deen). I endeavored to make:

*creamy corn chowder
*roasted sweet potatoe medallions
with maple glaze
*(save room for dessert)

What? You think that's not enough? Sure, it looks like 2 side dishes - and heck, maybe it is - but that's the great thing about cooking at home...no one is going to look at me funny for 'ordering' soup and a side dish for my meal. The truth is, a bowl of chowder and some starchy sweet potatoes fit perfectly in the average American stomach. But when we eat out we suddenly feel like we have SUPERTUMMY, which can stretch to accommodate weeks worth of food (see photo below). And boy, are we impressive in showing off it's Supertummy strength...Look how it fits the bread, the salad, the entree, and oh wow...it can even hold dessert! Good show, Supertummy. Good show, indeed.

Anyway, I was trying to avoid another episode of Supertummy, who always seems to make an appearance when I'm seated at a fancy restaurant. He's gotten far too much attention lately. Plus, avoiding a restaurant bill makes me feel triumphant. Do you want to know how much I spent on dinner for 3 at Chez Grassroots Gourmand (aka: my kitchen)? Well, I DO, so I'm adding it up right now...where is that receipt?

CREAMY CORN CHOWDER
- frozen corn, $1.25
- red bell pepper, $1.04
- onion, $ .87
- milk $ 2.99
- vegetable broth, $3.39
- oil, salt, pepper, secret spices (...all stuff I've got around already)

CHOWDER FOR 3 = $9.54

ROASTED SWEET POTATOES:
- 2 microwave sweet p's, $1.79 each
- maple syrup, oil, salt, cinnamon, vanilla, nutmeg(...got it already!)

POTATOES FOR 3 = $3.58

TOTAL Meal cost at Chez GG= $13.12

Cost per person at Chez GG: $4.37

WOW. I just spent $13 food for 3 people, instead of what...$25 a head somewhere downtown? Now, does anyone care about this price breakdown as much as I do? I'm guessing no. And that's why these blog things are so great...I can just PRETEND that you all are reading it. But really, you're just looking at the pictures and thinking 'why is she adding up her grocery list? Oh well, those sweet potatoes look good..'

My point is: the benefits of eating IN are too numerous to list. I could write a book about it! (A unanimous 'Please don't' can be heard right now). For now, I'll just give you my top 3 reasons for entertaining at home vs. paying a man in a white coat to have all the fun for you:

1) YOU are in control. Ah, control...such a beautiful word.

2) No make-up or bra-wearing is required. Not at my table, anyway.

3) You don't have to pay that awful extra expense called a "TIP" (that's a whole 'nother blog posting...don't get me started)

I still like to eat out, but only if you're paying. Otherwise I'm just going to be stubborn and arrogant and say, I can do it myself!! Which, I clearly can. Pureeing chowder? slicing sweet potatoes? Why should I pay someone to do that?!

So, come on over and we'll play restaurant. And don't worry, the tip's always included.