Quite Contrary

I love paradoxes. You know, "any person, thing, or situation exhibiting an apparently contradictory nature"? Such as: eating Ethiopian food in Kansas. Vietnamese in Minnesota. Brazilian BBQ in New Hampshire. Such absurdity keeps life interesting, don't you think?

Sadly, most people will have a steak in Omaha, Tex-Mex in Texas, and crab cakes in Baltimore. But I beg you to scoff at such predictability. It's just gross. Do something unexpected and it will surely be more memorable than following the tourist herd to, say, Old Chicago Pizza in Chicago.

I don't know what people are expected to eat in St Louis but I didn't care to ask. My dining buddy and I went straight for hole-in-the-wall Thai. (above: our $10 appetizer extravaganza of shrimp summer rolls, curried chicken skewers, sweet corn cakes, and crab rangoon...just to start.)

I know, Thai food isn't a huge contradiction to St Louis culture, but we still felt like rebels. Besides having the restaurant to ourselves, the pleasure was intensified once our pretty little plates arrived, at which point I felt sure we were the only two people in St Louis having such a divinely exquisite, lusciously unique, seductively savory meal, served with the quintessential precision of our dainty Asian waiter.
>>> "Drunken noodles" with juicy scallops, squid, and jumbo prawns. Plate-lickin' good.

Gulp your Vegetables

Tis the season...for what, you say? Just go to the produce section and you'll figure it out pretty fast.

It's a squashy, yammy, pumpkinny time of year, which means you can sprinkle brown sugar on your veggies without feeling sacriligious. Or if you DO want to feel naughty and completely Americanize the virtuous nature of the squash family, you could scoff at the produce section altogether and hit the drive thru at Jack in the Box or the Dairy Queen. That's right, lactose lovers.... it's Pumpkin Milkshake & Pumpkin Pie Blizzard season!! And when those luscious, limited edition delights run out, you can (literally) roll right into Eggnog Shake month. A truly euphoric way to waste 720 calories in a few frothy gulps. Gulp, gulp, ahhhhh. Can you taste it?

(I know, I'm supposed to be a "gourmand", which means I should disrespect any recipe that uses flavored syrup as it's main ingredient, but dang, these things are irresistible. And so dangerously accessible! Much faster prep-time than Martha's pumpkin pie recipe...no disrespect to Ms. Stewart, God bless her. I bet she drinks them, too.)

So, don't just sit there drooling -- grab your keys and get 'em at the peak of their season!! No one will know except Jack. And he's probably in his Box...drinking a Pumpkin Pie Milkshake.

The Waiting Game

Thank Goodness they didn't pass that law that would add an automatic 20% gratuity to all restaurant bills. What greedy, blue-collar chump came up with that idea?? Maybe it was the guy that waited on us the other night at that Italian place...

Let's get one thing straight: when it comes to ordering food, I am not easy to please. In fact, I am a waiter's worst nightmare (and often, my dining partner's worst nightmare, too).

The menu is a good start, but I need details. I need to compare and contrast...to peek at other people's dishes...to entertain the possibility of substitutions and manipulations. Once I have it narrowed down to a few potentially acceptable dishes, I have a little Q&A session with the waiter. After he attempts to entice me (or fails to inspire me) I am left to my instinct. Time is running out, so I close my eyes, picture the entree I am about to order, consult with my stomach one last time, and then, with beads of sweat beginning to form on my brow...I order! Phew, that was excruciating. So, it better be good.

Ordering food is a monumental commitment unlike any other consumer activity. Unlike buying a pair of shoes, you can't test out your dinner and decide it's not your style, bring it back with the receipt and get your chunk of cash back. You're stuck with it. Even worse: you are tormented by thoughts of 'if only I had ordered...' You are reduced to an envious, grumbling old sourpuss, glaring at the waiter who misled you... hissing at the chef for not including half the ingredients that were listed on the menu... and cursing the other diners that seem perfectly content with their plates. All of this chaos because of the wrong menu selection!

So, this is why the waiter plays a crucial role. They are not merely the hands that scribble an order and deliver a plate, though some seem to think that is the essence of their duty>>> Greet, scribble, deliver, collect payment, good-bye. Sorry boys, but if you want that supposedly "standard" 20% tip, you'd better get ready to play The Waiting Game. Read the next blog, "It ain't baseball", to learn how the game works...

It Ain't Baseball

My general rule for evaluating wait staff performance is the 2 strikes you're out rule. That's right, TWO. It ain't baseball; we're not eating hotdogs and drinking beer people. This is serious dining; the stakes are high. And if you can't play the game, get out of the dining room.

The strikes can add up pretty fast, and with only 2 to spare it can be painful when you're stuck with a rookie waiter. Here's a great example from an actual dinner I endured the other night:

STRIKE 1: waiter didn't mention the dinner specials (the king of the menu hierarchy). They were listed on a chalkboard, but he clearly expected us to read up on those on our own. All the delighful dishes we missed out on! A real tragedy!

STRIKE 2: Pancetta and bruschetta are two very different things, which is why I suggest a-nun-ci-at-ing them properly. Our waiter didn't, so when my pancetta-laden soup showed up, without bruschetta, I had to wait for a new bowl of soup to be prepared, minus the cubes of pork.

STRIKE 3: If you don't know about wine, don't pretend. Just bring a darn sample over and spare us the vague commentary.

I could go on, but then I'd have to deal with all the hate mail about how merciless I am..which is simply not true! I just want you all to keep your standards high, and never feel sheepish about letting your tip "tip them off" to some ways to improve their game. Ouch!